My experiences as an undiagnosed transguy

 Autism spectrum disorder:a life long condition that affects areas in social communication,reciprocation,oscillating back and forth,nonverbal(semi-verbal,functional communication,) difficulty maintaining friendships, repetitive interests & sameness,a need for routines.Some of these things are optional but they are exclusively a trait of ASD and shouldn’t be miniminzed—-understand this is a DISABILITY AND A LIFE-LONG ON.

• Certain labels are outdated “high-functioning” and Asperger’s” are no longer used in the criterion of autism spectrum disorder.I've been documenting this most of my life—other people would say this is a trend but this actually affects me and people  in ways some  don’t understand.

⚠️⚠️ I’m sorry for the highly detailed-verbose paragraphs this is a documentation of my life—I maintating building up thought out my life the stuff highlighted in red are TL:DR to  and alot to process PLEASE DONT READ THEM IF SO.⚠️⚠️ 

⚠️I’m professionally diagnosis with adhd & autism lvl 2 ⚠️

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What it talks about:

• my childhood communication struggles 
• My sensory aversion to food
• My difficulty with friendships and understanding them
• Processing boundaries and information
• Having interests that are not “hobbies”
• Hygiene issues ⚠️ those are crossed out⚠️
• I have TL:DR for the long paragraphs. 

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This is mapped out those criterion of autism spectrum disorder & my experiences:  

CATEGORY A-deficits in social settings

A1:back and forth communication: I don’t remember much about my childhood ,but I remember being quiet in school even at home but school I was mostly muted/quiet a lot not just that but people would labeled me as quiet and shy a lot and socialize if actually exhausted me,I remember trying to communicate my interest a lot in school even at home but I’m just not good with context nor responding in the right way,I’m also not good it’s back and forth conversations I try as much as possible,I had hard time speaking up even if I wanted to—I deeply struggle with functional communication and semi-verbal.

when it comes to eye contact as a kid my mom told me I did make good eye contact,but I’ve always felt uncomfortable by having to look people in the eye I would do and and not do it especially when I’m trying to explain something,I also think very literal a lot I struggle to figure out empathy a lot even body language,like when someone is sad or crying sometimes it’s hard for me to like understand what there feeling ,idk with my sister it’s odd because ik she’s crying but at the same time I don’t like the noise I try to comfort her in the best way possible or maybe I struggle with comforting people that are not close to me  I really don’t know how to describe friendship even as a kid,I mostly like to be alone a lot I had a hard time understanding how they work I also had a small friend group but I barely made conversations I barely knew  to start n respond I’ve always thought you just have to be there and that’s how friendships were.

this one feels incredibly hard for me;I have trouble with actually getting the words out I wanna say unless I actually wanna talk or someone talks to me;I have trouble talking about my special interest I would mostly give one answer and word things and phrases other then outwardly yappy about what I love.i somthing physically can’t feel like I can actually talk to people;I do a good job and decent job online but I still can’t seem to respond back sometimes it’s like a mental blocking.  

A2:non-verbal communication & or gestures to communicate: I’ve stated that eye contact feels uncomfortable to me even though I’ve done it before there’s challenges when it comes to holding that eye contact and I do it sometimes when it comes to familiarity;it’s like. 50/50 percent chance I’ll make eye contact but not hold it directly;sometimes I don’t even noticed I’m actually doing it,when it comes to eye contact as a kid my mom told me I did make good eye contact,but I’ve always felt uncomfortable by having to look people in the eye I would do and and not do it especially when I’m trying to explain something.

A3: difficulty with friendships & maintaining friends:really don’t know how to describe friendship even as a kid,I mostly like to be alone a lot I had a hard time understanding how they work I also had a small friend group but I barely made conversations I barely knew  to start n respond I’ve always thought you just have to be there and that’s how friendships were. Friendships weren’t really that easily for me and they still aren’t the constant social burnout and pressure it was to feel like a need to make friends;people would talk behind my back which I never realized untill people pointed it out —maybe I had a fear of how other perceived me during that time but it was always hard and felt pressurable to conversate verbally to people;

other events:  During school years was still tough and hard for me,people wouldn’t really suspect much from it but it still became a big challenge for me—other people say I was hyperactive during school year and other people said I was quite and “weird” during those years ;it’s all so confusing and paranoid because I know myself better than those people during my school years I wasn’t obsessive talkative as much ,I took adhd medications to help me;but those didn’t help either I remember being mute with and with my medication;but people will always assume the medication is what leading me not to talk often yes it does,but to be more elaborative it wasn’t Ono a side effect of my medication—it was actually the undiagnosed autism that often goes overlooked especially in young AFAB,woman and girls;when I was off my medication I still remember being the same white person I was I wouldn’t even communicate to other people I would only say certain phrases,words or gestures unless I’m spoken to there’s times I would be laughing it lasts until high school this form of mutism. 

CATEGORY B- DEFICITS IN REPETITIVE BEHAVIORS:

well as a kid I would walk on my toes a lot which is what my mom told me ever since I was 5-6 years old I would do that a lot in growing up I never really realized why I did it as a kid,I would walk in my toes a lot idk if this is a stim but I would play the same Michael Jackson song a lot as kid,sometimes I’m  not aware that I’m doing it 

B2:  sameness in routine or patterns:well I did have rigid routines that I barely notice that counted as a routine like for showering and Michael Jackson,showering didn’t feel like a preference for me it was like a instead need or I’ll feel uncomfortable ;it would take a shower everyday do to these things,Michael Jackson would be the first thing and only think that gives me regulation I never realized it was the constant sameness 24/7 for him.

B3: behaviors & repetitive interests:my interest interests and passions/I would definitely say Michael Jackson was my first intense interest as a kid because that’s the only thing I would watch even talk about in school I would listen to the same song in repeat for hours and hours ,I can recall every memory explain why I love Michael Jackson a lot ,the only thing I was obsessed with as a kid really like I had so much merch as a kid to ,by when I was 10-11 is  was intense at school and home like even at home I would watch him for hours and hours even lookup stuff about him even when I didn’t have my phone I try to do it with other peoples phones,I also made a diary of him with  facts how many songs I know of him as well, I would repeat this issue a lot as a kid 

If you were to ask me if I was still into :I say I feel out of Michael Jackson when I was about 14 or 15 I think because of something my friends wrote in my diary,yea I also had my diary to school to like ,even at school I would listen to him constantly and if it wasn’t on any other like music channel I would try to listen to him somewhere else I also would draw him to I had trouble communicating my interests not because of fear I wasn’t scared I just didn’t know hot to communicate well. Over the years my interests began expanding wildly. Michael Jackson was still my main “highly restricted interests” also known as special interest such as :

Michael Jackson wasn’t the only “special interests I had” even though I fell out of this one but along sided with Michael Jackson was Dora the explorer I would watch her contanslty over and over I even ha march from her aswell & I was obsessed with her ;of. As a child you grow out of these interests—Dora the explorer was still apart of my childhood and nostalgic interest growing up but I got more interned with Michael Jackson as a child ;develop an intense hyperfixation for him as 11;Dora was the my first along with Michael Jackson it was very neat and cool;I even had fav episodes and a fav movie growing up as my Dora interests unfolded for example: 

• star catcher was my fav it was when Dora had to catch the stars ,the start pocket was introduced in like season 1-2 if I can recalled it’s been a long time;but I recall watching it and I Stanley loving it 

•the boo /halloween episode;I dressed up as a cat for Halloween and I’m not sure if it was because of her of my interests in cars at that time cuz I had a pet cat named “beebee” when ie as 4-5 years old ;but overall I loved Dora soo much 

•the fairytale land movie that came out in 2004;this movie was my awakening to something special meaning idk I would watch it a lot I can’t recalled if I had the movie since it was soo long ago like 2004–I even had merch from her hair like how I had merch for Michael Jackson aswell omgg;so many memories of my special interests i swear i used to have the 2004 fairytale doll were when you used the magic wand and or press it her hair would grow.

The reason i fall out of Dora the explorer wasn’t because I didn’t wanna watch it anymore the moslty reason i can think of is that I got older and my focus shifted towards Michael Jackson at the time which became to intense and very intense;I still love him and always will I’m not sure if I noted this but I have documentations for him and everything I wrote about him tbh;for Dora I got back into her (I never actually forgot about her she was my childhood along with Michael Jackson so) but like I got back into her then fell out again due to reasons and a lower age fanbasd:then got back into her months later this is the year 2026 now I’m talking about remember she’s still one of my childhood shows and always will be ofc.  

Another thing came into my life at the age of 8-9 remember being really into the color pink as a child;when I was about 9 everything I had had to be pink;I never really loath the color black but I also wanted everything to be pink,somthing about that color I loved soo dearly and I still do even if it’s not as obsessive & I had pink clothes and binder that I loved soo freaking much it was soo cute with sparks and glitter which I love —I had pinj hoodies and even shoes because that’s how obsessive I was as a child this was along with Michael Jackson  even though I got into him when I was 5.all I could think about was pink things and I loved anything pink regardless of what it was actually ;I fall out of pink during the time I realized I was transgender—it took me months to realized to be trans it’s about gender not what color you liked,considering pink was the color I grew up on I usually hated all dark tone things. I used to have these pink Addis shoes omgg I wore those shoes out like costabltg every single day it was the same with my other shoes I would just wear them everyday.

TL:DR:(don’t read this is you don’t want to)

ANOTHER SPECIAL INTEREST MEMEORY:

guys i remember as a undiagnosed autistic kid bringing my comfort diary to school everyday because it was about Michael Jackson 😭A

i would get so excited whenever anything related to him showed up. one time during music class my teacher was talking about a “man” who wore loafers and white socks and i instantly knew she was talking about Michael Jackson because he’s literally known for that look. i got so excited and raised my hand immediately and then everyone looked at me and i got embarrassed 💀

another memory i have is liking this boy because he was in some musical about Michael Jackson. i was in kindergarten at the time too 😭 i literally only liked him because of that. the dude was way older than me.

something similar happened in middle school. i liked a boy because he had an afro and kinda reminded me of Michael Jackson. looking back he didn’t really look like him and i was probably overestimating it 😭

i also remember we had to do a project on a celebrity in school and i REALLY wanted to do mine on Michael Jackson omgg. Michael Jackson literally helped me through hard times. i was the quiet kid that didn’t really speak and was basically semi-verbal throughout a lot of school. unfortunately i couldn’t do the project because we weren’t allowed to choose dead singers.

another thing i remember is bringing my diary everywhere because it was about Michael Jackson. my friends ended up writing PG-13/R-rated things in it because somehow they thought i had a sexual obsession with Michael Jackson 😭 which i didn’t btw. yes i had a crush on him but it wasn’t sexual. even some of my family thought that because of what they saw written in the book. man some of the things my friends wrote were WILD.

i also remember stealing my old dead phone back just so i could watch Michael Jackson videos constantly 😭 my mom would get so mad because i got the phone taken away for reasons i don’t even remember anymore. i was probably like 11-12 at the time but i kept using it anyways just to watch Michael Jackson content.

i have so many childhood memories connected to Michael Jackson honestly. he wasn’t just a singer to me. he was literally a comfort and such a huge part of my childhood.

TL;DR: My other interests:

horror: 2005-2012-present that’s to this person who I’ve lived with,I grew up on horror media and genre of horror ever since I was a little kid/preteen even; my first ever horror film well it was more gothic called “Batman’s return” Tim Burton masterpiece btw—I grew up on his movies and the inspiration for him. My parents had a box of horror movies so I was lucky to experience my love for horror. When I say I like horror I mean any,but I’m selective with it. There’s so many horror movies I’ve seen as a child—I’m selective due to how it’s portrayed nowadays though not to mention the sameness brings me joy. I’ve been getting into horror anime due to my interests in horror movies as a child. The only ones I can think of is Junji Ito:collection,manic,crimson seen during covid era tbh ,death note that’s more psychological gothic I’ll say.

Black cats:since I was 4 I used to have a black cat actually so that was calling for how I still adore them—my whole personality is based on them as well,I adore them soo much. I’m mostly watching cat videos of them too —-I follow a bunch of cat things due to liking and interest in them. I even created my own personal mythos of my name to be surrounded by cats”black cats” to be specific there :independence,selectiviness,boundary-oriented,everything about them I’m drawn to not just because of their features;cats to me are very interesting,the facts I know about cats are a few and I wanna build my way up stronger I wanna learn felinology due to them soon. I have cute aggression to.

cartoons: welll for me i depends on the cartoon( This was the very first obsession I had along with Michael Jackson,I would watch her daily 24/7 as a child liked I really loved her soo much I even had some of her much I still have fav episodes and movies possibility —it wasn’t a special interests for me I don’t think due to the fact it wasn’t long lasting but I grew  out of it returned to it like again then fell out of it for reasons ,it’s still one of my nostalgic and fav shows ever!!!!!! 

itself i like sameness when it comes to watching things I grew up with or seen in tv randomly;ive seen a lot of cartoons but mostly the ones i still stick to are:gravity falls,mlp,bI’ve  seen my little pony on tv randomly so like i do have a core memory in my mind and how i still stuck with it even if it wasn’t the first obsession;it’s not like gravity falls and family guy shows I’ve seen when I was 11- present but it also wasn’t a show I wasn’t unfamiliar with because I was and still am;I got into it 3 years ago so it’s still a new special interest for me;but I do know facts about it and the main plot. Gravity falls is the same way I grew up watching this since I was 11-present. There's so many cartoons I’ve seen and still enjoy ,GF,MLP,robot chicken…etc but structure and repetition matters to me.   Now when it comes to having these interests that I have they are constantly fighting to be displayed outwardly;this is what it’s liking having multi-interests but still having that on main interest that you can’t let go of having special interest in autism isn’t a preference it’s a regulation tool,a survival tool a way to cop with the world around you—without this interest it feels like nothing matters.

CATEGORY-B1/2 DEFICITS IN SENSORY/SEEKING :

B4:hypo-sensitive & hypersensitive to textures : Well as a baby/toddler I did have a feeding tube because of food and premature as well,my mom also told me I didn’t like certain textures of food as a child I would avoid fried food,but as I grew up I still had that constant thing where I didn’t like certain foods ,for example when I was like at school during lunch I didn’t really eat any of my school lunch nor my own lunch I didn’t really eat it because how soggy and like the smell was way to strong for me so I didn’t really eat much the holy thing I really liked was chicken pattes and the fries to,even at home it was kinda difficult because I didn’t eat alot of foods as a kid like seafood,watermelon,jelly,even jelly textured stuff,I remember gaging eating cereal especially certain kinds like potato salad n Mac o roni salad when I would have to eat them I would have felt like crying,I didn’t like the texture of whole wheat bread nor the crust so that why I only would eat if with certain food ,I don’t like the smell ther texture of bread that’s brown either with nuts because it really makes me uncomfortable,I can’t eat anything with rasinis in it because the smell and the texture makes me physically wanna cry if I can recall I remember I often zone out a lot I also have these shivers often to

UPDATE:Growing up as a child I mostly had food aversion to taste and imagery of the way food looks—besides the encounter I had as a baby with a FT ,when I was 9-10 years old I remember g@ging and panicking to a specific bagel I’ve eaten before I eventually gotten plain bagel from my mother because I couldn’t eat those kind or anything with raisins.

My “gross”autistic traits I struggles with as a child:

Like forgetting to brush my teeth 😭 and I haven’t been doing it in months I hate using mouthwash cuz I hate how it feels and I actually forget to brush my teeth then it’s to late and I already don’t feel like getting up to do it.

I have poor bladder issues like I literally can’t hold my pee at all or else I’ll wet myself badly,which happened in school I didn’t stop peeing the bed untill I was 12-13 years old literally had to wear a pull-ups like in the morning and night.

I have trouble changing my undergarments;like and since I be  lossing them to it’s bad like I would wear the same ones over and over.its always hard to change when like I’m on my thing to.

I have trouble putting on deodorant aswell,most of the times I will but then I’ll forget;I hate using it but I have to so it’s a must.    

Like this “everyone is a little autistic and adhd” isn’t fun I wish people actually realized this is disabling and hard to even manage

Catergory C+ D:these traits have to be and must be presented in childhood not explain by other conditions; for me these traits were presented throughout my whole childhood throughout school and even adolescence years,I member having a lot of childhood traits as a child that impacted me ,I’m aware of my struggles and I know I don’t fit level 1 autistic,and I know how it effects me,not just socially even though it can be the main functioning sometime.

  

TL;DR: (unless you want to)

 I only am able to remember certain fragments of when food started being unpleasant to me.I had safe foods but they’re mostly junk food as people would say with a lot of salt and stuff in them & I can’t eat seafood due to the visual imagery they remind me of bugs  I can’t eat any time of seafood only one specific fish which is hip hop chicken fish. School  years I never really ate my lunch my mom would get me to back my lunch every day when she didn’t have lunch money and I never ate in in elementary school I would throw the lunch away or like store it behind the seats of the bus —-due to the strong order ;I couldn’t eat the sandwich actually due to the mayonnaise being too warm and making the texture of the bread soggy—- I would only eat the snacks that were available that I packed myself ,this throwing away my Lucy and lying about it would happen constantly for over years and years since I graduated elementary school. I

During middle school most of the time I never had a packed  lunch my parents would give me moment to eat but I never liked the school lunches either even in elementary school I never liked the cheese on the pizza so I would remove it and only eat the other part—I ate a corn dog in school I recall my “friends” saying how could I ate this,very vividly it was a little strange to me;I only ate 3 foods in middle school and that was (chicken patties,fries,snacks,and the juice,orange and apple only) all the foods looked repulsive to me especially the mozzarella sticks I called :polka dot pizza,I couldn’t eat them and the why they looked make my uncomfortable, so for the past years I would only eat those same certain food items.

One other fragment memory I forgot to share is that I had a hard time eating contaminated foods+wet textured foods besides noodles I can tolerate—I recalled g@ging at the age of 11 I presume I was very young though but it was with cereal I would g@g soo much at these cereals that I eventually just had to stop eating it(mini wheats,raisin brand,honey bunch’s of oats,frosted flaks) especially when consumed by milk but overall everything made me g@g cereal touching milk makes me g@g soo much,there’s only certain cereal I’ll say I can tolerate but if haves to be no milk—(lucky  charms,mostly the charms,coco puffs,sometimes honey but Cheerios I used to eat as a baby) . The breads were repulsive to me to the point I’ll throw up or become nausea looking at them & whole faint wheat bread is my enemy my foe,I’ll g@g or find some way to just be able to eat it due to me being a child at that time but never could ill still get nausea by it visually and even the smell makes me wanna cry—the nuts inside and the crust of nuts. 

I physically and emotionally can’t eat many times of foods due to the taste and texture and visual imagery it makes me sick sometimes;avoiding them isn’t as enough but it’s plausible,I have a tough time due to my examination towards food when i was little ill always  examined terms eras of the food as if I was looking for something wrong with it & the only foods I can eat are junk food,but only some not a lot for examples I can eat snacks but only a few not a lot like Doritos,hot chips(,takis,Cheetos) and like some gummy candy only the bears and only sour patch kids,I can’t eat pop tarts like the fruit ones only chocolate+ the smores,those are the only things I can really eat and chips ahoy and oreos n vanilla waffles,sometimes I feel like I don’t even meet the criterion for ARFID—-but it’s soo obvious when it comes to food I can’t handle,I never liked contaminated foods I mention before,breakfast foods were a little hard not hit the bagels I didn’t like the taste of cream of wheat but I ate it ,I didn’t like waffles,syrup,certain sausages like Italian,and the one that looked contaminated—I can only tolerate the original.

I remember we would get  jimmy dean sausages for breakfast the only one I liked was the one with the meat I remember eating the bacon on with the biscuit but I didn’t like those—my food habits has been inconsistent since childhood,but it’s always junk food sometimes I think I’m orthorexic due to my selectiveness but also  just being automatically drawn to malnutritional foods that aren't even healthy & the reason of that isn’t only due to my food diet but the incomplete lack of fruits and fiber I consume,I had a history of having low-fibber intake as a kid,I remember I had to take vitamin D everyday,clogging the toilet and stomach aches which I presume it was because of the milk,but turns out it wasn’t— and even as an adult I still have these gut problems it’s worse when I menstrual cycle aswell,my stomach could be hurting or I can be having constipation.

TL:DR: (it’s important but still)

Cognitive rigidity:  

Also I never realized how I also have the “I need organized autism”  because I actually do not like when I was little and I had literally a routine for Michael Jackson omggg I remember that and like a need to take showers every morning and I still actually do ;I had a meltdown due to changes in my routine I had as an adult actually which lead to panic attacks to ——but I actually do have them still as an adult but it’s also internalized like for that example I said before and like if something isn’t right I need to fix it along with things I like and have not just my interests there’s many examples to. It’s like a feeling that I need everything to be in a perfect place or organized because I get overwhelmed I remember one time I was sharing a room within sister and I almost started to cry but the frustration on my face was real because it was a lot for me so many clothes everywhere;but for my execution dysfunction can cause overwhelming thought increases more pain due to the fact it’s hard to organize things.

I also experience rumination it’s soo bad that I lose track of the real world in front of me and I get labelled as instant and obsessive,i ruminates soo much it drives me insane and make me question my memory and perception of people i struggle with trusting people because of it ;it worse when it’s a hyperfixation on a person “neurotypcial  people “ uses this world but forget how debilitating it can be for us ,my hyperfixations last a whole month I almost committed due to on because how depressive it made me feel it’s not fun and I knows it’s not an excuse to harm people but I swear I don’t mean harm—I have a disability and one way or another it’s going to show up ,there’s a difference when using it as an excuse and taking accountability for if.;I wish I’d didn’t have these hyperfixations and rumination constantly it drains me physically sometimes physical headaches. 

Functional impact & friendships:

During school years was still tough and hard for me,people wouldn’t really suspect much from it but it still became a big challenge for me—other people say I was hyperactive during school year and other people said I was quite and “weird” during those years ;it’s all so confusing and paranoid because I know myself better than those people during my school years I wasn’t obsessive talkative as much ,I took adhd medications to help me;but those didn’t help either I remember being mute with and with my medication;but people will always assume the medication is what leading me not to talk often yes it does,but to be more elaborative it wasn’t Ono a side effect of my medication—it was actually the undiagnosed autism that often goes overlooked especially in young AFAB,woman and girls;when I was off my medication I still remember being the same white person I was I wouldn’t even communicate to other people I would only say certain phrases,words or gestures unless I’m spoken to there’s times I would be laughing it lasts until high school this form of mutism. 

Even middle—highschool I was the same exact way still the quiet and labeled as “shy” as a child,people would try to get me to talk I barely did unless spoken to at times;I had friends that would change overtime without understanding why and it still confused me—-I only would be there as a myself;I had trouble contributing conversation to the main friendship ;overtime they changed and when there ways while i was still wondering what I did wrong,I remember these “friends” were frustrated with me I can recall I was wearing a hot pink button shirt,it was recess the outside was like foggy like it was like the right cold temperature the two girls one was wearing a shirt with a money on it it was a gray shirt with brown sleeves like she was wearing the gray shirt over it,I can recall the other girl with bobos in her hair they were twists to she was were glasses and a bright hot pink jacket they were saying “say a cuss word you’ll going to have to say it later in life” man i recall so many memories vividly—this was in elementary school though about 2-3grade or 4th. I was just standing there probably confused.

Middle school was the same thing lucky  I had a 504 plan throughout elementary and middle school for me actually;middle school wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good —I started developing hyperfixations which would be known as ADHD hyperfixation,it started with this boy and I would be constantly obsessed with him constantly staring and making eye contact well not all the time I still had trouble but it eventually got out of hand it drained me soo bad it felt unreal to me I hated it even more;but people couldn’t see the deep pain I was feeling because it impacted him to which I really had a hard time understanding because it was never direct with me at all—-I remember a consular called me in and said I need to stop harassing him and I felt scared and sad and confused all at once it felt so heavy on me it felt overwhelming; there’s were my hyperfixations in people started to develop now it’s hard to let go this called neurodivergent inertia where it’s hard to let go of something.  

Boundaries & directness of those boundaries:for me I actually never realized I had a hard time you boundaries until days ago,for me I need boundaries but I also have a a hard time communicating them irl and online;I never realized a person needs boundaries unless they communicate directly towards me;;;something that I noticed is that my neurodivergent inertia gets in the way,often people don’t have a clue what this is but it’s when a neurodivergent person can’t let go of a situation or have a massive time detaching from it this can usually be or inconsistent within something or someone—-and my brain does this without realizing it does.Boundaires are very important to people even me;but they can be blinded by a need for correctness and Informing & this leads to misunderstanding in communication and trouble maintaining friendships;my naturally gravities towards fact, data and information that feels consistent to me.

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Professtionally diagnsoe as a child:  

ADHD criterion my overview: 

(TW:cute aggression,hitting,hygiene care) 

ADHD known as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a neurodevelopmental disability that affects emotional regulation, attention, and memory. It's classified as a condition in the DSM-5 and DSM-5-TR.

There are several subtypes.

The one I was diagnosed was “Presentation 3: combined: this subtype is the combination of both (inattentive and hyperactivity) that can be seen in both or separate diagnoses;this can since dopamine is both modulatory within this diagnoses this can look like emotions dysregulation and interruption in communication ;and difficulty starting tasks and difficulty stopping them; by certain things; more daily stimming and fidgeting.

While these subtypes can be presented in both or another one set” I say this one because I noticed my traits and needs changed over time —my parents and teachers would say mixed things like Ian’s talkative as a child but I was also quiet and not overly loud it was very confusing.

Throughout my childhood years I recalled taking medication,this medication I took when I was a little child under the generic name “methylphenidate” and “guafacine” those two medications were for both HBP and adhd aswell—I didn’t know I have HBP but that’s for a later story,having attention-hyperactivity disorder literally already meet I was neurodivergent to begin with the medication didn’t really help much because it make me feel zombie like along with they kept dosing the medication due to my “destructability” according to my mother saying I was destroying stuff I did have a massive like idk what to call it but I was brutal I almost went to jail due to the fact I was hitting on my sister I poured hot sauce in her medication bottle 

During the time I actually figured out I was in the spectrum I was watching adhd videos this was about 2 years ago ,and the subject changes to autism spectrum disorder I didn’t know much of the diagnosis due to not being told about it;I started hearing things mostly traits that felt like me as a child and even as an adult;I still wasn’t as sure so I started to find videos of the DSM,people talking about autism,more ASD videos,audhd videos remind you this wa on YouTube and it’s not like google were most are overgeneralized disabilities like ADHD and ASD but I found some that were very detailed and informative I started compare many times throughout that year—I never really brought it up until one time but my family kept brushing it off saying it’s “only adhd” “ your not born with it “ which I do second that because that’s accurate  information ASD is also inheritable;I remember telling my parents about my sensory issues and then dismissing it mostly my mother saying “she talks like this she’s have a loud voice she can’t control it”referring to herself that she couldn’t control it—-many I was being to blunt when I stated that and that I didn’t like my sisters laugh again I have a hard time communciating,I started crying uncontrollably and just anxious—the many times I compared ASD to my childhood the many times I begged my mother the many times I just wish someone would understand me it was even there throughout my childhood my aversion and sensory to food was obvious but barley recognized much I was lable as “I don’t eat any foods” or anything from there eyes,finally I got my autism diagnosis.

ADHD really impacted my life not just autism,I have servere execution dysfucntion even now it wasn’t worse when I was a little kid—but it felt like it was daily forgetting things constant meltdowns and crying over the small things and being ovhelrmes by to many things everywhere at once,struggling to understand if I actually comprehend what people are saying to be verbally;communication was a big struggle for me verbal communication  wasn’t always my strengthen but neither was receiving that information from other peers and people;school work as a hassle for me,my reading level was insanely low 4th grade

 ,I was hitting her on her head so hard I’ve also would squeeze her head like tightly idk it was like I couldn’t control it I was like a stimming I would do when I saw something  cute or I liked or idk but 

I can’t figure out the reason I did it it just happen and it felt weird and confusing after —-my brother knew about it my mother knew about my psychologist knew about it 

With hygiene,as I said previously in my overview for autism spectrum disorder,I have routines of needing a shower  or else I’ll feel dirty or uncomfortable;but it’s the only hygiene I don’t have problem with mostly but furthermore when I’m on my menstrual cycle —it’s insanely hard for my to shower even if I know I have to & as and adult during adulthood it’s the same way it’s still a massive struggle the hormones fluctuations had happen due to that I have more intense cramps and pain;and the oder  of it makes me  wanna g@g and make me become incredibly nausea overtime—so it’s insanely hard to shower during that time ;but it’s not just menstrual cycling it’s execution dysfunction which is taking massive headache on me to the point it’s a struggle o get out of bed and do what I need to do—-I zone out rapidly I have trouble sleeping one had this trouble sleeping since I was a little kid ;it was nightmare I hated it ;I would sleep late or to early or wake up to early; 2 years ago I got diagnosed with anemia I have a biological parent who had anemia ,and mine was severely low I thought I was like a chronic illness but it wasn’t—-it really recked me ;my parents blamed this on not eating foods and enough because I do have problems  eating food like normal people.

During my menstrual cycle(which I wish I didn’t have btw I’m trans) I literally can’t change my “pad” or feel like I can’t without g@ging it really stresses me out and feels like I wanna slit my throat or stomach open. 

Masking & being twice-expectional as an adult.

masking is one of the social -autistic traits that alot of undiagnsie autistic people to through dude to the fact autism wasn’t first recognitized in girls and AFAB not women—and as an AFAB myself i masked alot without understanding what autism actually was and is the only time I understood the lable was with my 38 year old bother who haves autism but since he’s a male it was more évident and visible towards the public & while autism is a specturm, many go undiagnsoe or be labled as » shy » « gifted » « just bright » « weird » these are the lables i was giving as a child due to my intellect and who I acted meaning processes things. I guess people also never associated my traits with autism due to the fact I never had sensory issues toward sound ;only certain sounds but due to masking I never realized how much it bothered me I forgot to note that I had speech therapy as a child I’ll get pulled out of classes jsut to play and do things with some lady and other speech things;

As a child I never got directly diagnsoe with autism only adhd at that time;my parents never trust ly believed there was something wrong with me they only saw the outside aka surfzce-level the highly-proper smart kid who got straight-As in elementary through somewhat if middle ; I did however had a IEP as a child and a 504 due to my other neurotype ADHD ;which was something I liked because it shows that I actually have a disability but what stood out to me even more was that even though I had accommodations it wasn’t enough for me;during middle school years I started getting worse with reading & other subjects regardless if my favorite was math during that time & reading was the béiggest challenge for me I struggled so much with staying on the page,understanding what I’m reading,figureing out if this is the right line were I’m reading then having strains when I would read which hurted alot especially my eyes considering I have myopia.But throughout my life I masked my autistic traits which never really realized untill later in life for example one of the traits that probabaly should’ve been autism specturm disoder was my full on struggles with food and eating I had aversions that I never eat and could eat I would mask my eating habits meaning I would just eat it;other times I couldn’t get myself to I would have panic attacks and or meltdowns.

The other ones were social communication ;everyone around me told me the same thing  « you talk well for your age ». « You not quiet at all » or other things they would talk me about my communication that wasn’t towards autism ??? Social akwardness directly was weird towards the other childeren, they would talk behind my back & I never realized it was that way & my communication wasn’t hyperverbal I was very semi-verbal then which no one really questioned and associated it with autism specturm disoder. But school was still hard for me due to that one factor even luch was hard for me to & I would get in trouble for not eating my lunch at all cuz I’ll always be through it away I couldn’t Even eat t the texture and the bread make me wanna throw up I only could eat two things in school lunch cafateria because the textures scare me badly even the drinks such as those naked drinks still scared me even now.Even though I still mask now I still have a hard Time even with food textures the through of anyone sending a image of food will sometimes make me nauseas and wanna throw up lucky I don’t throw up but it can make me feel really sick and have anxiety from it —and it it gets bad ill have to avoid to at all cost.

School was very overwhelming despsided the subjects that I really really loved as a child for example math even though  I was in a small classroom ;and I had extra time on tests,exams,work literally anything due to that IEP but I was still semi-verbal or I’ll talk very quietly in school which was odd for me cuz I never realized I was doing it;people would say I cant hear « him » speak up so the whole g’class can hear you & eye contact was physically painfull I recall having to read something outloud and I couldn’t really look at the other students at all it felt like they’re staring into my soul constantly.The packets of work and throughout my while school years was a massive uncomfortablity for me the only time my nervous system felt calm was going to the libary during lunch time since it was so quiet and clam and I could do anything I want.

 

Verdict :I still have these disabilities that still affect me on a daily basis just because a person advocates and spreads awareness on  social media doesn’t mean they are bragging about it. Autism and ADHD both have social deficits in communication styles; hence my communication style is verbose & associative  thinking that’s why my paragraphs and messages have other topics jumping on top of another  & people spread awareness for disabilities not only autism in many forms, there’s so much more I could’ve said about how audhd effects me in ways and growing up but I rather not:my disabilities are also rooted in the  way I think and process information that’s handed to me and verbal information;you don’t understand a person's experience until it actually unfolds when they directly explain it.  Please note that me sharing my experience growing up with diagnosed adhd and undiagnosed autism isn’t a choice!!!!!!  NOT EVERYONE “ haves some autistic traits”